Performance Detractors

PED’s are one of the long-time kerfuffles in sports. I had a thought about how to solve that controversy the other day.

First, embrace PEDs. Stop suspending athletes for taking them and make everything public. Just pay them less. If PEDs make the game easier for them, don’t pay them as much.

Next, encourage Performance Detractors by paying athletes more for using them. If a linebacker can make 15 sacks while on 20mg of Valium, he should be paid more. You could have a whole range.

• -50% for the horse steroids used by the East Germans in the 80s
• -30% for the Lance Armstrong’s Blood Doping Special
• -20% for all the Biogensis type stuff
• -1% for Ibuprofen
• Control group. No drugs at all.
• +10% Marijuana
• +20% Benzodiazepines
• +40% LSD

Because who wouldn’t be entertained by a bunch of oversized men tripping on LSD trying to play football? Roger Goodell, you can use the links in the left sidebar to contact me for terms on where to send a check.

Written by Scott Williams who lives and works in sunny Phoenix, AZ. Twitter is also a place.